New York New York

The NYNY's Team America city caricature skyline. Did they have a big teary-eyed ceremony where they demolished the World Trade Center towers so it mates up with the present Post-9/11 skyline?

Hey great, another day another theme casino. As I shuffle through the photos I’d taken of the property, I wonder aloud at the risk of sounding like Jerry Seinfeld when I ask: “What’s the deal with all these theme casinos?”

I can’t put my finger on it exactly, where and when the theme casino nonsense started up. Much of the blame must be levied upon the economic dip in the late ’80s coupled with how the idiots of the Baby Boom generation started taking over from The Greatest Generation and decided to take everything that was good about America and crush it underfoot like a cigarette butt[1]. Gone would be everything that was ever actually fun, to be replaced by things that their focus groups and marketing attorneys would consider “safe, family-friendly, lawsuit-free fun!”

And there we go, “family-friendly” should be seen as a swear word. “Family-friendly” means that all the real fun as enjoyed by adults has been stripped out, chewed-up and re-inserted into a form that’s palatable by the young and addle-headed but thoroughly unenjoyable to those who actually you know, aren’t retarded, boring assholes.

The exact sort of retarded, boring assholes that go to Disney Parks! Have you ever been to a Disney Park? If you haven’t, you should go. Do it quick too, because a one-day pass is now like seventy bucks and skyrockets higher every day. If you’ve never been to Disneyland, I can accurately recreate the experience for you:

First, go to the DMV around noon on Friday, when every other idiot in town decides he wants to go to the damn DMV. Stand in the first line for two hours. Get your simple change of address form. Then go to another, longer line. Stand in that line for a further three. Once you get up to the front of the line, the clerk simply makes three mouse clicks and prints you out a paper. You then pay the clerk seventy bucks and then she climbs over the counter and kicks you in the balls. There’s the Disneyland experience for you! Family Friendly Fun! Get back in line and do it all over again! ALL DAY EVERY DAY WOOO DISNEYLAAAAAAAAND!!!

Have you met the sort of people that think that a vacation to Disneyland/World is their pilgrimage to Mecca? They’re usually kind of incredibly boring. Uptight, got married right out of high school, ended up with three screaming kids and have boring but secure Union jobs being paid way too much to perform tasks better performed better and at much lower cost by robots. Usually blindly-religious. These are the sort of people that just lurrrrrrrrve Disney and think that Las Vegas is Sodom[2].

So of course some pencil-pushing dickhead behind a massive capital holdings company looked at the Disney Parks’ books and realized that they made money in best described somewhere between “a shitload” and “a fuckload.” This humorless, imaginationless desk-jockey then decided that if his holdings in Sin City U.S.A. were ever to earn enough money for him to dump his cash holdings into an Olympic-sized pool full of crisp single dollar bills perched over which is a big old sproingy diving board, then he’ll have to mindlessly ape the one thing the Disney Parks have done so as to attract up the boring sort of families that go to Disney Parks.

And that thing is THEEEEEEME PAAAAAARK HORSESHIT!!! Immediately and instantly the theme casinos started to crop up. The Excalibur had a lame King Arthur Knights of the Round Table bullshit going on and then the Luxor countered by being all Ancient Egypt and then hey fuck you check us out we’re the goddamned Aladdin[3] with our fuckin’ Arabian Nights theme and you know what suck my mom’s tits we’re the Venetian with our damn Venice theme and this is our pussy little cousin the Paris. Before long, you could walk from ancient Mesopotamia to Atlantis to the fucking Moon all within two miles of concrete pedestrian overpasses.

Smack in the middle of all the fake cultural-historical landmarks and themes sits the worst of them all, the New York, New York.

Now, it’s pretty classic egotistical provincialism for New Yorkers to think that they’re the center of the universe. Fuck’s sake I’ve heard New Yorkers describe their city as “Universe City.” And the media is completely complicit in this. You’d be hard-pressed to find a TV series, novel, comic book, cartoon or movie that doesn’t fucking take place in New York City. If anything happens in the world, it happens in New York first. ALL EYES ON NEW FUCKIN’ YORK OVER HERE! The city is the eldest daughter at a debutante ball. If your eyes aren’t on her what the fuck is your problem are you a faggot or something?

So naturally, why not put a fucking New York themed bullshit casino smack dab in the center of Las Vegas! It only makes sense, right, since New York is at least as culturally-significant as Hooters or M&Ms so yeah why not, let’s just shove a big old rotten slice of apple into the center of the big old drippy shit sandwich that is The Strip.

The first thing you notice about heading into the New York, New York is how unauthentic it is. Now, I won’t say that I know the first fucking thing about New York aside from the fact that the city got so butthurt over the 9/11 event that they pulled the episode of The Simpsons where Homer’s car gets impounded at the World Trade Center from syndication forever. For that alone the entire city can fuck off. Where was I? The first thing you notice about the NYNY was that the place doesn’t reek of piss. I’ve never been, but I hear that New York has the most interesting uric bouquet. That you can tell the boroughs from one another by the smell of the piss on the sidewalk. If the NYNY can’t even get this right, then what hope is there for replicating faithfully the real New York experience?

Because I guess big old streamers of static confetti jizz hovering in the air just screams "New York"?

Of course, there is none. Like the rest of this awful city, the NYNY casino is only a theme park reproduction of the real place. It’s what boring people who have never been there imagine them to be like. The Venetian and Palazzo replicate Venice about as well as the Casino Royale remake did. The Luxor is about as Egyptian as Bananarama and the NYNY is about as New York as I am.

I sometimes struggle to wonder to whom exactly the NYNY is designed to appeal? Real New Yorkers would be annoyed that some West Coast asshole can’t get every nuance of his beloved Universe City exactly completely one hundred percent correct. And after all, why shouldn’t the place be completely correct and authentic, after all New York is depicted in every goddamned piece of media ever conceived since Independence and all, you’d think we’d get it right by now. Tourists too cheap to go to Real New York? I’m honestly baffled at who the NYNY’s target audience actually is.

The NYNY itself seems to be confused, it doesn’t seem to know whether it wants to be a theme resort with a roller coaster and big old postcard skyline featuring all the iconic skyline features mooshed together along one line, catering to the family crowd – or an adults-only casino with showgirls and table dancers spiraling around poles at the blackjack tables.

In the New Vegas, all blackjack dealers are also pole dancers.

I don’t know what it is about the NYNY, but I hate it, probably more than any other property here in Las Vegas.

[1]this is a bad analogy, since the kind of assholes that turn shit “family friendly” are also the same kind of fascist cocksuckers that go on anti-smoking crusades.

[2]Las Vegas sucks to hard for anybody to mistake it for Sodom. Maybe it’s the Disneyfied theme-park rendition of Sodom? Oooh~ I smell a new lame theme casino to pitch to Steve Wynn…

[3] The Aladdin is now the Miracle Mile Shops. They didn’t even bother changing the internal graphic design motif, it’s still 1001 Arabian Nights in there. Retarded.


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