Archive for the ‘Asinine Advertisements’ Category

God’s Kitchen Billboard

May 5, 2010

See, it's a play on Hell's Kitchen, get it? There's like angels and shit!? We're so fucking clever! Give us promotions and a boat!

A platinum blonde waif in angel wings and a white corset reclines and invites you to totally chillax at God’s Kitchen yo inside the Vanity bar inside the Hard Rock Hotel Casino which apparently has yet to recover from its logo being bonked into by the plane in Con Air.

Do these ads really work on the kind of transient douchebags that visit this town for three days and then go home? Are they really so stupid to believe that OH SHIT DAMN DOGG DAT GIRL ON DA BIZZILLBIZZOARD UP THERE IS SO GODDAMNED SHITHOT DOGG, WE SHOULD TOTALLY GO TO THE VANITY OR SIN OR GOD’S KITCHEN OR WHATEVER AND FOR FUCKIN’ REAL HANG OUT WITH THOSE RUDEST OF RUDE TITTAYS? or is it that the Directors of Advertising at these resorts think that we (that is the little people on the street upon whom they look down upon disdainfully from their glistening ivory towers in the sky)  are so goddamned stupid that we’ll shuffle into their lame casino bars and pay fifteen bucks for a well martini because the cocktail waitresses wear lame little angel wing motif costumes?

I think both options are equally valid.

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Anime Clipart Girls Need Sushi Too

May 4, 2010

OH WE ROVE SUCHE AND BIG AMELICAN PENIS WHY YOU NO COME TO SUCHE LOKU AN WE SHOW YOU LEAR GOOD TIME RONG TIME ARR NIGHT RONG BAYBAY?

A thing, well maybe the thing that annoys me most about this billboard is how it doesn’t actually have fucking anything to do with sushi, aside from three vaguely-animesque girls with cocked hips sacheting around the billboard’s center space, displaying playing cards and champagne glasses but no goddamned sushi at all.

On top of the cloying, unimaginative main illustration which was no doubt culled from one of those 1,000,001 Clipart Images CD ROMs from circa 1996, the design is terrible. There’s no “rule of threes,” each design element takes up the exact same third of the canvas. There is no dominant, subdominant or subordinate design element, the illustration takes up the same space-share as the restaurant design, the advertising copy and the informative copy at the bottom.

Were I to turn this billboard in for class credit, I’d be failed and asked to repeat the class. And yet someone out there got paid to do it. That right there is what frustrates me most about the state of advertising in general and this city in particular.

Stupid Sexy Billboards

May 3, 2010

It’s taken me a month or so and I’ve started to dig through the backup files in my recollection and try to puzzle out exactly what the fuck it is about this city makes me utterly hate it. And I think I’ve discovered it: the needless and crass oversexualization of the casino advertising design.

Yes, I realize that sex sells. Diet Coke has Cindy Crawford guzzling cans in a red Corvette while ZZ Top riffs in the background and European travel brocures all flaunt images of topless beaches while Maxim magazine sports more chiseled manflesh in its advertising than Playgirl and Flex combined and yet, it’s been posited by ad magnates of the early-to-mid twentieth that needless oversexualization of ad copy doesn’t necessarily correlate to any increase of sales.

But yet here we are, 2010 and here’s a chiseled, marble-in-flesh seductively inviting me to… the damn buffet at the Eastside Cannery? I don’t get it, but this will be the first entry in my new category depicting needlessly sexy casino asvertisements.

"Oh tee hee shove this big glistening complete turkey into your face and then shovel down a couple thick slices of marbled prime rib and some asparagus spears down your unstoppable gullet and don't forget the mashed potatoes and two big old slices of double-pumpkin chocolate cream pie with hand-whipped cream and gummy bear sprinkles for dessert and you'll totally get a chance to go on a date with a shining bronze supermodel like me, tee hee!"